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On the Case for More Public Toilets in NYC

a recent night in the life of eugene the impressor

thanks to doodie.com thanks to doodie.com

so last thursday or wednesday night it was this one kid rishi's birthday so me and a group of other people decided to go out to eat dessert at this place Serendipity. the place was cool, they had all these desserts that all looked really awesome. i split this really thick sundae/cake thing with my friend kirsten. it was good, and i ate 'til i could eat no more. so we were there for a while and right before we left i had the sudden urge to take a big shit. i figured that we would be back home soon so i decided to hold it.

so we made our way back to the NR and took it to times square to transfer to the 1/9, the whole time my bowels becoming increasingly bothersome. so we were sitting there waiting for the freaking 1/9 to come, and my urge to shit was getting worse and worse. i started pacing nervously. it kept getting worse, like it would come in cycles and when the cycle was at its worse, i felt like i was about to freakin' burst. i started feeling pretty bad, worse than i had ever felt before. so i told my friends i had to go to the bathroom (later i learned that i looked pretty bad by the time i left,... little did they know). i worried about shit spilling out of my ass as i went up the stairs to leave the station.

so on my way out i started asking everyone where a bathroom was. some guy in front of the neon lit times square station told me to go to the bus terminal (port authority) which was one avenue over. that didn't sound too far, so i started heading towards it. by this time, i could barely keep the shit inside of me, i must've been walking like a freak. by the time i got to the next avenue over i was dying. i swore i could feel little pieces of shit almost forcing their way out of me. i started pacing again. i looked around and noticed that there was a lot of construction going on, and part of the sidewalk was blocked off with one of those cheap plastic fences with holes in it. i kept eyeing that area, for it was the most discrete looking place within the immediate vicinity. i paced some more deciding if i should go there or try for the bus terminal across the street. i felt like i was gonna crap my pants so i just said -fuck this shit, i'm taking a shit right here-. so i started walking behind the fence and started realizing that it wasn't very private there at all. i could still see everyone walking by, there was a red light and i could still see all the cars on the street, and i could still see all the construction workers (who i hoped hadn't seen me). so anyways, i crouched down (i was already feeling better by this point), slipped off my pants, and within about 2 seconds i left my amorphous blob of shit on 42nd street between 7th and 8th ave.

after the explosive diarrhea shit, there was a mild drip going on. there was nothing to wipe with, except for maybe bricks or something, so i just got up. i started getting a little self conscious that i had shit on me or that my ass was all wet with juice. then i headed off across the street to the bus station. i got there just as they were closing up, and the guy let me through. i got to the bathroom and sat down on some toilet with something all over it, at that point i didn't really care... i cleaned up, washed my hands 20 times, and checked my pants and boxers for errr, surprises.

after that i made my way back to the times square station and waited for the 1/9 again. the 2/3 came first so i hopped on there. when i walked in i noticed this chick sitting down. she had humungous tits and her shirt was unbuttoned for no apparent reason. so i'm just standing minding my own stinking business and then that lady starts yelling to me, "hey chinese kid with the red shirt, you sooooo cute". she says a few things and then makes her way over to me. in her drunken state she was hanging on me, suffocating me in her bountiful breasts. she starts talking about my shirt, and she sounds like she’s feeling pretty smart being able to correctly identify the objects on my shirt as ducks. by this time everyone in the car is staring at us...

anyways, we both end up getting off at 96th street. the drunken boob lady had a friend that helped her stagger around. on their way out, the intoxicated tittie girl starts talking to this bum. she gets all friendly and starts giving him money and shit. i look at the bum. he has holes all over his pants, but this especially large hole off-center to the left of his crotch. and his fucking dick was hanging out. i wasn't sure at first, but after he was done talking to the inebriated booby babe he started walking down some stairs and his shit was swinging everywhere. then i thought to myself: damn, what a weird night.

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