by Scott

I envy blind people who were blind since birth. I was blinded when a horse stepped on my head. So I know what colors look like, and I've seen television and airplanes and rainbows and stuff. Now I can't see crap. It's a real bitch. People make fun of me.

In a crowded room I’ll randomly yell, "I saw that!" in an accusatory tone. Most of the time I do this and people are simply confused or they make sad, pitying noises. But every now and then someone in the room will pipe up, their voice dripping with guilt: "How’d you see that? I thought you were blind!" I tell them, "Well, I'm not", and turn up my nose. Invariably I’ll then do something stupid so they know I really am blind, like walking into a wall, using my blind-cane or having a seeing eye dog. Then the people will make noises as if they pity me.

Pity isn't so bad though. I get laid all the time because of it. Why is it that fat chicks think that because I can't see I won't know they’re fat? Also, ugly girls have rough skin and moles and bad breath and things like that. They think I don't know they’re ugly, but I do. Plus, people on the streets will yell stuff like, "Hey blind guy! You know she's fat, right?" And I'll think, 'Just cuz I'm blind doesn't mean I can't feel the ground trembling as she walks, dick'. But I can't say that. It would offend my obese date.

Only once did a man try to make it with me because he assumed I wouldn't know he was a man. Jesus, that was a rough night.

Family pets are another accident waiting to happen. I was at my grandmother's house and I stepped on her new kitten and it died. She was heartbroken and she too died soon after, which is good. She was insane. Literally insane. The entire family had had enough of her.

Also, on rare occasions, my seeing eye dog will become agitated by an insect or a cat. They are trained to be calm and reasonable at all times, but come on, they're animals. One day, unbeknownst to me, a bee flew into my dog's eye. He catapulted me about, but I lost hold of the blind-harness and he ran off yelping. It didn't help the situation that I was in Spanish Harlem at the time. I only knew English, so like Helen Keller before me, I was rendered deaf and mute on top of my terrifying blindness.

Ironically, because of the bee my seeing eye dog lost his sight and had to be replaced. (The bee-venom spread far enough to almost completely ruin the eye he wasn't stung in). Also my wallet got stolen, which was not good.

When I heard that some other blind guy had invented a way to let blind people use a "web sight", I was excited by the prospect of seeing again. Then my friend explained that I misunderstood. I have not trusted my friend nor computers since then.

I have other ways of screwing with people. Sometimes I'll go to the park, take off my sunglasses and stare at the sun. (I just wear the glasses to look cool. And so as not to scare people with my wandering blind-guy eyes). Then I'll look down, become agitated and scream, "Shit! My mother was right! I went blind! OH GOD NO!!" People usually come to my aid and comfort me as I weep uncontrollably. I need to be held, so it works out for all of us.

I had to put a stop to this method of screwing with people when I accidentally turned an 8 year old boy blind. I was "staring" at the sun (I know where it is from the heat, incidentally) when the kid says, "Hey mister, did you know you can go blind that way?" I said that no, masturbating will make you blind. Staring at the sun will make you taller. We both stared at the sun for a while, then the kid walked off and got hit by a bicycle. No one was seriously hurt, but I think the kid is still blind to this day. Fuck him though, being blind ain't so bad.

Like this time I was in the seeing-people's library, just smelling the books, remembering how I used to enjoy reading. A lady walked up and asked me if I wanted the Braille section. I said no, and fondled her breasts. I can get away with that because I am blind. Instead of getting offended and slapping me, she moved my hands to her face and let me feel that up, too. Sweet!

Then I slept with her, because she pitied me. Apparently she wasn't that ugly, and I know she wasn't fat.

See, good times.