Q: I try to have sex with my girlfriend but she keeps pooping on me and smearing it on my face! What do i do? Maybe i should take her to Times Square???? Help.
~Impressed in Indiana
A: What is with you folks out in Indiana??? Isn't there anything to do out there besides tip over cows and have shitty sex? Just kidding. I am just being a bitch. ;) Ironically enough, this sounds very similar to this German porno Dave and Eugene bought last year. In it, these huge-ass German skeevy dudes rub a magic lamp and out pops a slutty ho. We expected some hardcore sex, but you know what she does? She starts shitting and pooping all over them!!! DUDE!! That was some crazy shit...literally. All I can advise is, go with the flow. That's what the German guys did and they definitely seemed to be enjoying themselves. I suggest smearing the feces across your chest, and on her. Lick it off of her naked body. It'll really turn her on. And if all else fails, dump her dump and look for someone else who cares about your shit-a-phobia. And then have sex the traditional way...minus the poop.
Q: My penis is only 2.5 inches. Is that too short?
A: Wow. Let me get my ruler out. (whistle) I can truly say that particular length is not the longest I have ever come across. On the other hand, I have heard of a native tribe out in the grasslands of northern Canada (it's always those Canadians!) whose average penis size is 3 inches...not much of a difference from yours. Maybe you are a descendant of this group. But enough teasing. Do you feel that your penis size is inadequate? Did you happen to glance over at your neighbor in the locker room showers and see his king-size pecker in its full glory? Let me tell you something sweetie, a small penis is not really that big (excuse me for bad word choice) of a problem. I know plenty of girls who find extremely large dicks intimidating. It can be painful during sex and be the cause of much tension. There are also ways to increase the pleasure of a tiny rifle in the bedroom. Have your tried different positions? The old-fashioned missionary position does get boring and underestimate the full-crowned glory of really good sex. There is one particular position which involves a lot of flexibility (on the girl's part), and let's just say that I'm really glad I am a former gymnast. :) Okay, I guess what I'm basically trying to say it that a miniscule dick shouldn't be the cause of any qualms. Girls like them, girls like them small. As long as you have one, all is good.
Q: Prof Kat, my girlfriend keeps complaining that one of my breasts is larger than the other one. It's true, but I don't know what to do!
A: My boyfriend once told me that it's perfectly natural for breasts to be of uneven size...hmmm...I wonder if he was talking about me... Anyway, let's just be thankful you have a chest!!! I once dated this charming young man who didn't even have nipples. (shudder) Freaky. And what I want to know is, is she complaining that you have breasts (i.e. obesity) or that they are of uneven size? I think this bitch is just picking a fight with you. Why don't you try shutting her up by walking around topless? That should put her in her place. Or I suggest going to Victoria's Secret and buying an underwire bra to even things out a bit. Hehe, guys in bras. Excellent. Cross-dressers are so damn sexy. Once last bit of advice: Be proud of your boobs. Flash them with pride. All I know is that I am a female (not very well-endowed at that) and I'm just proud to have anything.