Editorial: I Am Tired of the Dictionary Telling Me What to Say
Scotto - 2001 October 1

I'm tired of the dictionary telling me what to say and how to say it. I'll pronounce the word niche however I damn well please. If I want to pronounce it "nitch", so be it. You'll know what I mean. Context was invented for a good reason, and besides, the word nitch doesn't actually exist. If I want to make it exist, then damned be the dictionary, I'll say it that way. Tell me you've never read the word niche and pronounced it wrong in your head, only to have the "dictionary" correct you. Or worse yet, some dandy hothead who thinks he knows the dictionary better than anyone. Also, I'd like to make up the word uphoovious, and decide what it means later. Black people have been doing that for years. Now it's my turn. I'll call it whitebonics, and you will all respect that.

One of my co-workers is mocking my jacket. He has called me the "fonze" and has given me the "thumbs-up". Here's a finger for you to look at. Now you feel lower than a three foot midget stuck in the wrong place at a pissing contest.

Additionally; Effluvium. I knew that word, and I even knew what it meant. I looked it up in the dictionary, and I was right. The only thing is, I would have said the word "effluvious" was the adjective form. Once again, Dictionary proved me wrong. You can't even make up endings to unpopular words! No huzzahs to the Dictionary from me this day! Had I used the word "effluvious", you would have known what I meant, or you could have asked me. I would have told you. I promise.

I just stole my co-worker's keyboard. He can't do any work now, and is complaining to his boss. Sit down, you fool!

But who would need to use that word? Who are we, volcano doctors? (Rather, "vulcanologists", as the dictionary would have it.)

Now I'm being menaced by a taut rubber-band. What an idiot.

Finally, no one would ever say "zope", "raff", or "trousers". They sound made up. Furthermore, why does Outlook persist on downloading my Yahoo! mailbox in full once or thrice a day? I now have too many copies of too many messages. I think it's Yahoo!'s fault.

Screw Yahoo!.com and screw the Dictionary! Huzzahs for language!

Next week's editorial shall be on the subject of the Encyclopedia, under which editorial is a subject. I have yet to care.