Or, How Chuck D Went to Jail for Life
A drama in three acts.
Dramatis Personae (In order of appearance):
THOMAS EDISON, inventor of the light bulb and direct current, amongst other things.
INVESTOR 1, 2, 3: Well dressed and polished gentlemen who have lost money on THOMAS EDISON’s most recent schemes, such as a telephone to talk to the dead.
REPORTER 1: Idiot
INVESTOR 4, 5: Well dressed gentlemen who have never done
GEORGE WESTINGHOUSE: Inventor, businessman, and ultimate killer of THOMAS EDISON.
TEACHER: Diminutive white lady, fresh out of teachers-school.
STUDENT 1, 2: Kids who grew up in the ghetto.
CHUCK D: Rapper from Public Enemy who is widely known for not trusting the police.
REPORTER 2: Over-confident and stupid, yet good looking, reporter for a major news network.
Scene I – The year 1908, a meeting-house with many well dressed gentlemen present.
THOMAS EDISON: Attention investors! I will now present a machine that you will wear around your neck in order to tell the time!
INVESTOR 1: (Aside to INVESTOR 2) He is definitely going insane..
INVESTOR 2: Mister Edison, your contraption looks quite heavy!
INVESTOR 3: (Interrupting at the last minute) Yes, and how do you expect people to read the time whenst the clock-face is pointing outwards from their chest!?
(Murmurs from all investors as they mull this over).
THOMAS EDISON: Silence! Of course it is not meant for the wearer of the clock to tell time from their own clock! They will tell the time by looking at the clocks of others!
(Angry and confused babble from investors – words such as “absurd” and “unfeasible” are heard amidst the uproar).
REPORTER 1: So the brilliance of your plan is that everyone will end up buying one of these giant clock-necklaces!
INVESTOR 3: Idiot!
THOMAS EDISON: Of course that is my plan. (To INVESTOR 3): Leave my sight instantly, you rabble-rouser!
(INVESTOR 3 exits).
THOMAS EDISON: Now, I grant that my clock-necklace is heavy ..
INVESTOR 1: (Aside to INVESTOR 2) Looks like the chain alone must weigh fifty pounds ..
THOMAS EDISON: .. but men will buy it because it will speak highly of their strength, thereby attracting the fairer sex!
(To this point
INVESTOR 4 and INVESTOR 5 have been sitting quietly, leaning forward to catch
(INVESTOR 4 gets up from his chair in a proper manner).
INVESTOR 4: Well I am impressed! I will invest one million dollars in your giant clock-necklace business!
INVESTOR 1: (To God) Oh lord…
(INVESTOR 5 jumps up
from his chair, knocking it backwards, crushing a DWARF
INVESTOR 5: Me too! What are you going to call this new company, oh Wise Edison?!
THOMAS EDISON: Why
(Enter GEORGE WESTINGHOUSE at back of room).
GEORGE WESTINGHOUSE: (Yelling.)
I hate you
(THOMAS EDISON and GEORGE WESTINGHOUSE fight to the death.)
Scene II - It is the year 1978, a classroom in the ghetto.
TEACHER: And that, children, is the story of Tom Edison’s life and death.
STUDENT 1: Fuck that.
STUDENT 2: Yeah, fuck Thomas Edison.
TEACHER: Now, now, settle down everyone. It’s almost time for lunch. (Enticingly): I hear we’re having government cheese today ..
STUDENT 1: Yo, government cheese sucks a fat dick.
STUDENT 2: Your mother sucks a lot of fat dicks.
CHUCK D: (To himself) Hmmm.. that Thomas Edison had one motherfucker of a good idea.
Scene III – It is the year 1989, the press is waiting for CHUCK D outside his home.
CHUCK D: (Coming out of his house, yelling angrily) Yo, can’t you bitches see I gots me a clock with a giant chain around my neck?!
REPORTER 2: So what?
CHUCK D: (Shoots REPORTER 2).
REPORTER 2: (Dies).