Cast of characters (in order of appearance):
OSAMA, Osama Bin Laden. He masterminded a scheme to blow up our favorite buildings, and all Americans hate him but could not easily recognize him in person because they wouldn’t expect to see him in America.
AYMAN, Ayman al-Zawahiri. He is Bin Laden’s second in command and a huge terrorist in his own right.
JOHN, some guy who’s ex-girlfriend used to pay the rent on a giant house. Since they broke up, STEVE moved in, and the two have been trying to find extra roommates to help with the rent.
STEVE, thinks JOHN’s ex-girlfriend is a bitch for running off with some rich New York lawyer. He was glad when he later found out the lawyer’s offices were on the 90th floor of Tower 1.
VEGGIE BURGERS, usually eaten only by hippies and people who can’t digest meat.
DISPATCHER, dispatches pilots and airplanes at Newark Airport.
CAPTAIN IRONY, pilot for American Airlines.
STEWARDESS, incidental to this story.
FBI AGENT 1 & 2, two good old boys from the heartland of America, working the New Jersey field office.
THE GHOST OF CAPTAIN IRONY. It is assumed that when people die, they may become ghosts who can talk to the audience for narrative purposes.
Scene 1 – OSAMA is sitting in his backyard with AYMAN, JOHN, and STEVE.
OSAMA: It was a good idea to hide directly under the putrid white noses of the Jew infidels.
AYMAN: Yes, this “New Jersey” does not horrify nor displease me as much as I hoped. It in fact even smells better than Afghanistan!
JOHN: So, you guys want a beer?
OSAMA: Absolutely not! It would offend my Muslim heritage! I will remove your foul Jew-heart with rusty implements and beat you with the Koran as you succumb to your gangrenous death!
AYMAN: Ahem. What my friend meant to say is that he would enjoy an infidel beverage in order that he may blend in with the people of “New Jersey”, and not look suspicious.
OSAMA: Yes, yes.
JOHN: Jesus.. I’ll get it. Steve, come help me, OK?
Scene 2 – JOHN and STEVE are in the kitchen.
JOHN: I don’t know about these guys, Steve..
STEVE: Dude, they’re fine. They paid up half the rent for three months, and they’re like never even around.
JOHN: All I’m saying is they get kinda creepy, talking about “Jihad this” and “Infidel that”.
STEVE: Dude, I know it’s creepy at first, but just give it some time. All that crap just bores me now.
JOHN: You never told me, how’d you meet these guys, anyway?
STEVE: Dude, don’t worry about it.
JOHN: OK, well I’m gonna pour out their beers and piss in them instead.
STEVE: Good idea.
Scene 3 – The backyard. JOHN has implemented his plan. JOHN and STEVE enjoy beer. STEVE is grilling some VEGGIE BURGERS.
JOHN: So, uh, Osama, you’ve like, never had beer before?
OSAMA: No, I curse your mix-breed Jew hops and your lying Christ-worshiping barley drink!
AYMAN: Actually, it’s rather refreshing.
OSAMA: I mean, yes. It’s taste is insignificant! It reminds me of the water in Afghanistan.
VEGGIE BURGERS: What a cock. He should serve us to some hippies, not some guys with no taste who drink piss instead of water.
JOHN: Uhhhh… yeah, okay… So! You guys wear those towels when you sleep, too?
(Uncomfortable pause. OSAMA becomes red-faced. AYMAN rolls his eyes.)
JOHN: …’Cause, you know, I’ve never seen you take ‘em off…
(OSAMA draws his blade and stands up. AYMAN stands and holds OSAMA’s shoulder.)
OSAMA: I spit on your ignorant whore mother! I declare a personal Jihad on your diseased, stupid, Jew-ridden family! I immediately do as the Koran says and disembowel you in the most time-consuming and excruciating fashion! I remove your teeth and use them to chew my camel’s feces! I shit on your entire lineage of whores and Jews! I remove your head for the benefit of Allah and I yell the words of the Koran down your throat for my own amusement!
AYMAN: Ah, Osama my friend, I think it is best we now retire for prayer.
(OSAMA sheaths his blade and is led into the house by AYMAN.)
JOHN: (mutters) I think I saw Mecca over that way, biatch.
STEVE: Dude, I told you not to worry about it.. All bark and no bite, dude.
Scene 4 – Newark airport. CAPTAIN IRONY is in the DISPATCHER’s office.
DISPATCHER: You’re fired, Irony. Haven’t you heard about all the airline layoffs that happened because that guy did that disaster? You’re one of them. Get out, and never fly American Airlines again.
CAPTAIN IRONY: Noooo! Please, please Dispatch! You gotta help me! I just took out a second mortgage and used my life insurance as collateral. My kid needs a new liver, and my wife is pregnant with twins! Oh god, why….
Scene 5 – Newark airport bar.
CAPTAIN IRONY: Stewardess! Gimme another!
STEWARDESS: Captain, you’re not my captain anymore. You’ve been grounded. I can’t do what you say. I have a new captain now.
CAPTAIN IRONY: WHAT? Where is this so-called “captain”? I bet he can’t fly half as well as me.
STEWARDESS: He’s in the pilot’s lounge getting a blow job from your first wife.
CAPTAIN IRONY: I’ll show him.
Scene 6 – Cockpit of a 737 FedEx plane bound for Boston. The TOWER calls from the radio.
TOWER: Bravo echo niner: What the hell do you think you’re doing?! That’s not your flight plan!
CAPTAIN IRONY: Screw you Tower! That’s the last time you tell me anything!
(Obviously, CAPTAIN IRONY crashes his plane into the house where OSAMA Bin Laden and AYMAN al-Zawahiri are staying. Everyone in the house dies, including OSAMA, AYMAN, STEVE, and JOHN. The VEGGIE BURGERS are ruined.)
Scene 7 – JOHN’s ex-girlfriend’s house, which was the one blown up where everyone died and the VEGGIE BURGERS were ruined.
FBI AGENT 1: I hear they found piss in Bin Laden’s stomach when they did the autopsy.
FBI AGENT 2: It’s true. Didn’t you know that’s about all those guys drink? Camel-jockey, land-locked, Mecca-worshipping, pig-faced, dirty Muslims are all full of piss. They should all burn like this one.
FBI AGENT 1: You know, there’s a militia you should join if that’s the way you feel. I’m a secret member. It’s organized, unlike those insane brown-skinned assholes.
THE GHOST OF CAPTAIN IRONY: What you guys just said is kind of ironic. I mean, I should know.