Akbar and Mohammed!
A play of fiction in one act.
AKBAR – Bearded
terrorist living in
MOHAMMED – See AKBAR.
Act I, Scene 1
AKBAR and MOHAMMED sit on a couch in a sparsely furnished, non-descript apartment, watching television.
AKBAR: Man, planning all this terrorism sure is exhausting.
MOHAMMED: Yes! I have terrible jet lag from all those
AKBAR: Certainly that would alleviate the jetlag problem. What’s on TV?
MOHAMMED: Probably more jew whore propaganda.
AKBAR: Still, since Allah forbids the consumption of alcohol, and we have already prayed eighteen times today, there is nothing better to do.
MOHAMMED: True. (Turns on television.)
AKBAR: This is what I hate about this foul, capitalist, corrupt, Jew-ridden country: Their women wear nothing. (Gesturing towards television) Look, I can see her very navel!
MOHAMMED: (Ashamed.) We
will have to pray at
AKBAR: It is unreasonable! Simply going out on the streets requires us to see this filth! I have been praying so hard lately that I feel my very towel will pop off my head!
MOHAMMED: That’s another thing. We can’t even wear our towels or skull caps in public lest the police question us! My hair has been far less smelly since we have been living here.
AKBAR: Yes, I was going to say something about that, but I felt it would offend you. Your hair and beard smell of coconuts.
MOHAMMED: Indeed. It is impossible to find a shampoo here that does not contain some sort of fruit, or some manner of “essence”.
AKBAR: My beard is now so soft that I fear I am becoming one of our women!
MOHAMMED: They have beards!? I have never seen the face of one of our women.
AKBAR: Yes, my wife had a beard grander than yours!
MOHAMMED: (Angrily.) How dare you insult my beard, you wretched servant of Allah! I will disembowel you for your crime!
AKBAR: Mohammed, I apologize from the deepest recesses of my Allah-hole! Please forgive me, but I was only attempting to illustrate the reason for which I disemboweled my own wife and fed her organs to my camel while singing the words of the Koran!
MOHAMMED: Ah! All is forgiven then. I understand now: Your wife had compared her own beard to yours in an insulting manner!
AKBAR: Precisely. It is soon after that I turned my life fully to the service of Allah and joined the camp.
MOHAMMED: Excellent. If it were not for your wife’s horrible etiquette, we never would have met!
AKBAR: Yes, and I am forever glad that we did.
MOHAMMED: In a way I am sorry I have never married. I would have liked to see the face of at least one of our women before we go on our final mission.
AKBAR: Allah forgive me, but occasionally I wish our culture permitted a burka which would allow us to see the very eyes of our women.
MOHAMMED: Blasphemer! I will kill you where you sit with numerous short knives and shit in your blasphemous mouth!
AKBAR: I accept my fate, and only hope that Allah can forgive me.
MOHAMMED poises his knife over AKBAR’s chest, but stops himself before he lands the blow.
MOHAMMED: Allah forgive me as well, because I am in agreement with you. To be forced to see the faces of all these putrid, pale, whorish jew women and to not catch but a glimpse of the very eyes of our own women! It is a crime!
AKBAR: I am ever glad that we plan to kill them all.
MOHAMMED: As am I.
Now, President Bush appears on the TV. AKBAR and MOHAMMED observe it.
MOHAMMED: Now see here, this man is an idiot.
AKBAR: Yes, even for a jew-sympathizing, asian-loving, Christ-worshipping, camel-anus-licking white man he is quite stupid.
MOHAMMED: His plans to apprehend us make no sense. We were able to fly to Kuala-Lumpur eight times this year alone, and each time the fat, slow American customs officials let us in without question!
AKBAR: One would imagine that by now we would have been caught. Sometimes I fear we are getting too bold.
MOHAMMED: Nonsense. Would you like a Mountain Dew?
AKBAR: Indeed. We shall “do the dew” together.
MOHAMMED departs for the kitchen and returns with two cans of Mountain Dew. He and AKBAR sit and watch TV in silence.