"Saving Grace With an Ugly Face."
Mother Theresa is famous worldwide for helping the poor and enfeebled. Her magnanimous and generous spirit was felt by everyone who came in contact with her. The only problem is, they couldn't look her in the face without shifting their eyes around and feeling uncomfortable. Shamefully, I encountered her in one particular instance in Burma long before her death in 1997. She asked where I hailed from and I replied, "Nantucket."
A grave and thoughtful look came upon her, as if she was lost in the past. Slowly, her lips began moving, shifting the wrinkles in her face like a thousand avalanches. She said, "I once knew a man from Nantucket. I saved the man's soul from his private, heinous sins."
She walked off, shaking the hands of the others who waited 4 hours in the cold to see her. I fell deep into thought and burst out laughing. It turns out she was after all full of mirth, dry humor, and brittle bones for she fell and broke her hip not 20 yards away from me.
I ran to her aid, drawing on my years of EMS training. I stabilized her condition and said, "Thank god you're not my mom."
She asked, "What?"
I said, "Thank god you're all right, and let us praise Jesus!" I slapped her on the ass, sending her into shock with a yelp of pain. Fortunately she had no body guards, unlike the pope, so I made off like a bandit with a fistful of 80 year old ass.
Just as with the death of JFK, I remember precisely where I was when I heard of Theresa's death. (After slapping her on the bum, I feel we should be on a first-name basis). I was drowning my sorrows in a local bar when on the television I saw her horrible visage. I exclaimed, "Barkeep! Turn up the volume on the television!"
The bartender said, "No", and I fell off my stool, writhing on the ground in a fake seizure. The bartender resigned to my antics and turned up the volume.
"...Indeed Tom, it is a sad day for philanthrophiles everywhere. On a side note, the previously unpopular Holy Healers trading cards are now a hot item among collectors everywhere. The Mother Theresa nun card is now being sold on QVC for over 500 dollars. The dow is up numerous points while the Nasdaq took a surprising dive of additional points. The bond market has declared that stocks are indeed more popular than bonds, causing the Bond Index to suffer..."
"Enough!" I cried out, stumbling to the door. I walked the streets for hours that night, unable to clear my mind of leathery skin and a flabby bum.